Pursue Your New Path

Each Man has his own vocation...

2010-08-12T11:59:00.000-05:00

Found this quote today. Items in bold are my emphasis.

"Each man has his own vocation. The talent is the call. There is one direction in which all space is open to him. He has faculties silently inviting him thither to endless exertion. He is like a ship in a river; he runs against obstructions on every side but one; on that side all obstruction is taken away, and he sweeps serenely over a deepening channel into an infinite sea. This talent and this call depend on his organization, or the mode in which the general soul incarnates itself in him. He inclines to do something which is easy to him, and good when it is done, but which no other man can do. He has no rival. For the more truly he consults his own powers, the more difference will his work exhibit from the work of any other. His ambition is exactly proportioned to his powers. The height of the pinnacle is determined by the breadth of the base. Every man has this call of the power to do somewhat unique, and no man has any other call." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Spiritual Laws (from Essays: First Series, pub. 1841)

Is American Creativity Declining?

2010-07-15T11:52:00.000-05:00

The authors of this recent Newsweek article argue that it is, as we focus on a standardized curriculum and rote memorization. They also argue that we, as a society, aren't completely clear on just what it means to teach creativity. That teaching creativity doesn't necessarily involve art classes but rather, "fact-finding and deep research".

The article is here: http://bit.ly/d0NMHo

What do you think?

Stating my "WHY"

2010-04-29T13:26:00.000-05:00

I've been reading Simon Sinek's new book Start With Why which has been helping me clarify for myself (and my clients) why I do what I do.

I help others recognize their strengths and talents, and encourage them to use those strengths and talents in pursuing their most audacious dreams.

Why? Because..

I believe that by using our particular strengths and God-given gifts, we can solve the pressing problems in this world.

I believe that if you can show people alternatives they can choose to pursue the path best suited for them.

I believe there are always alternatives.

I believe in mentoring.

I believe each generation has much to TEACH other generations, and much to LEARN from them.

I believe that a cultural “fit” with your employer and your employer’s mission ultimately trumps job skills. Skills can be taught; values are either aligned or not.

I believe business is ALWAYS personal because businesses are made up of people.

I believe some “rules” (e.g. “We’ve always done it this way”) are meant to be broken.

I believe schools today teach us how to be compliant and follow “rules” – which was perfect for 19th century factory labor but less so for the realities of the 21st century global marketplace.

I believe some of the most important skills we possess are: loving, learning, listening, and teaching. We need those skills more than ever.

I believe listening is an act of Love.

I believe everything happens for a reason – and it’s not always a reason we can immediately discern or understand, or like.

I believe we are all connected, one in Spirit, as brothers and sisters under the skin.

What do YOU believe?

Nursing Shortage? Where?

2010-04-06T12:11:00.003-05:00

A relative of mine recently got her RN and has been unable to find a job as a nurse. When I heard that, I was surprised because it seems all you hear about in the media and from government stats is that there is a nursing shortage and it will be only getting worse. But is there actually a shortage?

So, in my Internet research, I found allnurses.com and a link to a Forbes.com article from Nov 2009 about “recession-proof jobs” and nursing leading the pack. After reading the article, I can only ask myself -- what counts for journalistic research these days? The bar must be set quite low. I quote from the article:

"Forbes looked to the online job site Vault.com for a clear snapshot of the current job market. Vault.com developed a list of recession-proof jobs by examining all the 1.2 million jobs it aggregates through its partner site simplyhired.com and then determining the ones that were available in the greatest number. Just as health care is the industry leading in job gains according to the BLS, the specific job at the top of Vault.com's list is registered nurse. “

Having been unemployed myself, I tend to be skeptical of job boards, because there is a lot of junk out there. My field is IT, however, so I figured it might be different for nursing. I did a little research yesterday on Wichita Falls, TX (about 125 mi NW of Dallas) and Lawrence, KS using Vault.com’s partner site simplyhired.com. Here is what I found:

Wichita Falls, TX (pop: 101,200)
I did a search yesterday on registered nurse – came up with 93 openings. That pulled up anything with the word “registered” (such as registered therapist).Refined search to “registered nurse” – 66 openings

Of those 66 openings:

5 duplicates (did not show in listing)

6 positions either not for a registered nurse, or were ads, or job gone

37 positions were for Nurse Options USA – see below

18 positions appeared valid. Experience required was either 2+ years, or not specified. The positions included FT, PT and contract.

With respect to the Nurse Options USA site, the job board there links to HealthJobsUSA.com. I searched that site for any job with “nurse” in the title (incl. LPN, LVN) and specified the 9 zip codes pertaining to Wichita Falls, TX. No jobs came up. Bottom line, a mere 27% of the 66 "openings" could be real jobs.

The case was similar for Lawrence, KS (pop: 90,500)

“registered nurse” – 43 openings

1 duplicate

2 Lawrence Memorial Hosp from Yahoo Hot Jobs! – RN positions no longer available, according to hospital’s own website on 4/5/2010

33 Nurse Options USA (no jobs on HealthJobsUSA.com for Lawrence zip codes)

7 positions appeared valid. (3 required 2+ yrs exp, 2 unspecified, 2 a mere high school education for home health aide)

Found the same situation for Nurse Options USA (HealthJobsUSA.com) for Lawrence, KS zip codes. Bottom line, a mere 21% of the 43 “openings” appeared to be real jobs. And none appears appropriate for a new RN grad.

Good placement offices, career counselors, etc. will tell any job-seeker in any field not to put too much stock in job boards. Why then do the reporters for big-name business publications trust that numbers on a job board (worse yet, a consolidated job board that purports to show all jobs!) will give a “clear snapshot of the current job market”? Perhaps the writer was under a tight deadline, but the checking that I did on the 2 towns only took a few hours.

It concerns me, in our sound-bite world, that a quick check of positions open on one aggregated job board allegedly counts as research! And that these “facts” are then picked up and reported on by other media outlets! Meanwhile, other such critical issues as understaffing with its attendant risks to patients goes under the radar. As the daughter of a recently-retired R.N., I can only be thankful for all you RN’s out there – and that I’m in good health. (And I’ll get to the Bureau of Labor Statistics projections on labor shortages in another post!)

Pursue Your New Path: An Acronym

2010-03-30T10:22:00.000-05:00

   Strive to Perform at your best

             Understand how you add value

             Relationships matter

 How can you Stand out?

What is your Unique Talent?

  Build your Expertise

  Believe in Yourself

What if you dO more than expected?

   What if yoU challenge the status quo?

 What if you Reframe Failure? Mistakes=Learning=Change

       Don’t Neglect your network

          Be Engaged with people

         The World of work is changing

  Bring your Passion and Enthusiasm to all you do

        Take Action each day to stay tuned into trends

    Use your Talents

     Working Hard doesn’t mean working all the time

I love acronyms; that was the first crack.

Book Review: Now What? The Young Person’s Guide to Choosing the Perfect Career

2010-03-29T11:48:00.000-05:00

I am reviewing the book “Now What? The Young Person’s Guide to Choosing the Perfect Career” by Nicholas Lore. Even though the title mentions “young person”, I found it very helpful for myself (over 40) because it combines lots of different features: personality traits, career interests, subject interests, etc. that you can find in a variety of career books while bringing all the information together in one unit.

Part 1 is “How to Choose a Perfect Career”. I’m a little iffy on that because, first of all, I skipped it entirely (the first 14 chapters) in part because I was already in a career at the time and second, I’m not completely convinced there is a “perfect” career.

I used this book right after I got laid off and I went to right to Part 2 (“The Career Design Toolkit”) and to Part 3 (“The Career Finder”) . The most useful section, in my opinion, of the “Career Design Toolkit” was the section on Who You Are, which covers natural talents, personality traits, job functions, and natural roles.

The natural talents chapter appears to me to be somewhat similar to the Highlands Ability Battery Test which covers such areas as analytic problem-solving, diagnostic problem-solving, spatial/nonspatial orientation, visual dexterity, number memory, etc. These traits are all covered on a high level in this book, to give you clues and a rough idea of what might be your talents. (Presumably, if you worked directly with Mr. Lore and his career coaching services, you would get tested for more definitive, accurate answers in this area.)

Other chapters cover the Myers-Briggs personality traits, the concept of “Maestro” vs. “Tribal” – a Maestro digs deep into a subject; the Tribals work in the “human beehive”. Lore also discusses your roles in another chapter – natural ones, such as Parent or Child; public ones – such as Politician, Marketer; roles grouped by Myers-Briggs personality types – such as Visionary, Advocate, Counselor for NF personality types.

As you read each chapter, you “work the clues” (for the “perfect career”) by seeing which roles, natural talents, personality traits resonate most with you and how you perceive yourself.

Two other key chapters concern job functions and subject matters of interest. Job functions, as Lore says, “are at the center of all jobs”. Lore emphasizes how critical job functions are to your career on a day-to-day basis. “If you’ve got a few career paths in mind, zero in on the primary task and activities you are expected to do throughout the day. Remember, employers hire and pay you to do specific tasks.” So, it is key to look at tasks and clusters of related tasks to see if those activities would appeal to you day in and day out.

With respect to subject matters of interest, you can do a test right in the book wherein you rank 5 activities within groups of 8 example activities from 5 to 1 (5 = most appealing) to end up determining which main topics (e.g. social sciences, or arts & entertainment) is most appealing to you.

Once you’ve gone through all these chapters, you’ve got an idea of who you are and where your interests lie. Now you can go forward into Part 3 of the book which is a series of charts and career profiles that combines the different pieces of information so that you can determine careers that best “fit” your talents AND your personality traits AND your favorite roles AND your favorite subject matter, etc.

Bottom line, I found this book to be extremely helpful in crystallizing my own career choices moving forward. It’s not that I never knew some of this stuff but that I’ve never encountered in any other career book the synthesis of all the different information: the Myers-Briggs, the roles that appeal to you, etc. It’s all brought together in such a way as to point you to a path to go down. You can see how the different aspects (your roles, your natural talents, etc.) really do all fit together better than you might expect, AND that there is something in the World of Work which you can do, and offer. That’s what really appealed to me.

I would recommend this book to anyone, and don’t be put off by the reference to the “Young Person”, as it is equally useful to workers already out of college.

Book Review: SWITCH: How to Change Things when Change is Hard, by Chip & Dan Heath

2010-03-22T07:13:00.000-05:00

In their latest book, the Heath brothers argue that not all change is difficult for us – think of those big changes like getting married or becoming parents and it’s clear we humans are capable of significantly changing.

But if that’s true, then why can some change – like losing weight and keeping it off – be so darned difficult? Research in sociology, psychology and other fields suggests that we are essentially of 2 minds – what the authors call the “Rider” (our analytical, rational side) and the “Elephant” (our emotional side), borrowing the terms from Jonathan Haidt’s analogy in The Happiness Hypothesis.

The Rider’s strength is in thinking long-term, analytically and rationally. Its weakness is “analysis paralysis”. The Elephant’s strength is motivation and drive, getting things done. Its weakness is wanting the quick payoff. Change fails when the Rider and the Elephant are at odds.

The Heath brothers outline the steps necessary to effect change by appealing to both the Rider and the Elephant, after first laying out what they call the 3 surprises about change.

1) “What looks like a people problem is often a situation problem” (p 3)
2) “What looks like laziness is often exhaustion” (p 12)
3) “What looks like resistance is often a lack of clarity” (p 15)

So, to change your own behavior, that of your company, or to “change the world” one little bit at a time, the Heaths argue, you need to implement steps that tackle the situation problem, the exhaustion, and the lack of clarity.

“What looks like resistance is often a lack of clarity” – So, Direct the Rider
“What looks like laziness is often exhaustion” – Motivate the Elephant
“What looks like a people problem is often a situation problem” – Shape the Path

In the rest of the book, the Heaths break down each of the 3 major steps into sub-steps, giving real-life examples of precisely how that action brought about change. (An example of “Directing the Rider” is to “Follow the Bright Spots” by figuring out what is already working in the particular situation, and to do more of that.
An example of Motivating the Elephant is to “Shrink the Change” into bite-size pieces that don’t overwhelm the Elephant. If you’ve been a couch potato, a 5 minute walk around the block may be just enough to get you moving – rather than the thought of 60 minutes on a treadmill.)

Any one of these actions can aid in bringing about change, but it’s even more effective when you’re taking steps in all the areas (Rider, Elephant, Path).

Best of all, the stories included are largely about people without a lot of formal power in their organization, without large budgets, and without a lot of time to effect change. Yet they were successful because they managed to give the Rider direction, to motivate the Elephant, and to shape the Path.

Layoff Etiquette: Connecting with Laid-off Friends & Colleagues

2010-03-17T13:04:00.000-05:00

After gradually coming to feel like Typhoid Mary since my own layoff, I was told by some friends that people don’t know what to say to a friend who has been laid off, so here are some Do’s and Don’ts based on my own experience. (Your mileage may vary.)

DO ask how your friend is doing, and check in from time to time via phone, email, text, FaceBook.

DO feel free to talk about the things you always talked about – (that includes sharing things like your own promotion or job change – and even griping about your own job, BTW!)

DO suggest going out for coffee/lunch/drinks – especially if you did this before the layoff – but if you’re suggesting the place, choose somewhere there is a range of prices for food & drinks.

DO be empathetic. A simple, “I’m sorry to hear about your layoff” is sufficient. No one wants to be pitied.

DO take your cues from your friend/colleague – some people are open about their layoff and other people prefer not to talk about it.

DO avoid feeling guilty that you still have your job. It’s quite likely your laid-off friend has already been in your position, and it’s quite likely you may one day be in his or hers.

DO share info about a potential job lead if you think your friend/colleague might be a fit.

DO avoid making promises you cannot or will not keep – don’t promise to pass on a resume, or to put in a good word to an employer unless you really intend to do so, and comfortably can w/o marring your own professional reputation.

DO avoid making assumptions about your friend’s finances – they may have a nest egg or a working spouse. They may have already had that vacation or that move planned. They may be well-off enough NOT to be drawing unemployment.

DO avoid well-meaning (?) comments that can land wrong: “Don’t worry”, “Oh, you’ll find something real quick”, or “Wow, I thought someone with your [insert field/degree/skills] would have no trouble finding a job”

And last but not least:
DO NOT – EVER! – ask “How’s the job hunt going?” This is just like asking a fat friend how their diet is going. Do NOT ask this under any circumstances! Ever. Period. Rest assured, if you're friends, you'll hear how the job hunt is going from your friend.

Do you have anything to add?

Busy as Cop-out?

2010-03-08T12:04:00.000-06:00

Found a new (to me) blog today in which Marissa Bracke discusses why she stopped working with “busy” people, and then delves further into the notion that saying you’re “busy” can be a cop-out. For example, you get invited to an event you really don’t care to attend so you just say you’re busy.
This reminds me of something I read in The Writer magazine a few years back. Sharyn Crumb, a mystery writer, was quoted [and I'm paraphrasing here] as saying, “when people say ‘I don’t have the time’ or ‘I’m busy’ what I hear is ‘It’s not enough of a priority.’”

Since I read that, I’ve found myself being more conscious of both how I use “I’m busy” as an excuse (to not write, to not blog, to not do whatever it is I’m procrastinating around) and of how others use it with me. After all, if you invite a friend to coffee or lunch and they keep coming back with “I’m busy”, clearly your friendship is not a priority for them.

How about you? Are there certain people and/or situations you can always “find time” for? Certain people for whom you’re typically busy?

Book Review: "The Path: Creating Your Mission Statement for Work and for Life"

2010-03-03T22:17:00.000-06:00

I bought Laurie Beth Jones' The Path: Creating Your Mission Statement for Work and for Life about 10 years ago when I found myself feeling stagnant both at work and in my life. The idea of being able to articulate my mission in life – and to do it fairly quickly (meaning hours or maybe days, rather than months or years) – appealed to me.

Why does crafting a mission statement for your own life help with that stagnant feeling? In essence, it serves the same role for your life as a mission statement does for a business. As Jones says in the Intro, “ a personal mission statement acts as both a harness and a sword – harnessing you to what is true about your life, and cutting away all that is false.” With your mission in mind, decisions as to your priorities are made easier with the question “Is this activity or task furthering my mission?” If not, then why are you pursuing it?

The first half of the book is devoted to finding your mission and crafting your personal mission statement. The second half of the book is devoted to 8 case studies – based on Biblical stories – with respect to fulfilling your mission and your action steps for success. (I’ve merely skimmed this part of the book.) Jones covers 11 myths about missions (e.g. “My job is my mission.” No, it is not – because a mission will encompass any single job. She provides some introspective exercises for you to get thinking about your talents, interests and qualities that make you different from everyone else. Then her mission building exercise is laid out in 3 basic steps:

The What: come up with 3 actions (verbs) that are meaningful to you. (A long list of verbs is provided in the book, but you need not use those.)

Your Core Value(s)/Purpose/Cause: a word or phrase – like family, service, freedom

Whom are you helping (because, as Jones states, a mission implies service)? – e.g. animal welfare, small business, married couples

An example is my own mission:

Actions: to Perceive and Ignite
What? The Potential of..
Whom? Those around me

[Another way to express your mission is to flip it around: Who am I helping and how? I help those around me by perceiving and igniting their potential.]

All in all, this book is short and sweet, with succint examples, and strong tie-ins to Biblical quotes and stories. Recommended for those readers who believe their lives have a purpose, even if they aren’t sure what that purpose is.

Your Online Reputation and the Job Search -- It's More than Just Risqué Photo Postings

2010-03-02T12:15:00.000-06:00

This morning I was reading a post on the CareeRealism website about how social media and your online activities are affecting your job hunt. The article leads off with the now-nearly-standard example of "pictures taken during your college days...drunk".

I'm 40-something and when I hear about the whole drunk-college-student photos-posted-on-Facebook thing, I must admit my eyes glaze over. And I think: what has all this online rep have to do with me and my job search? And how many others 5+ years out of college think the same?

I fear that articles of this ilk don't go far enough with respect to covering the depth and breadth of the online reputation search.

And that is one of the key points of a recent survey, taken as part of Microsoft's 4th Annual Privacy Day (PDF link here). 70% of U.S. hiring managers/recruiters surveyed say they have disqualified candidates based on their online reputation, while only 7% of consumers surveyed think their online reputation affects their job search. (Talk about a disconnect!!)

What kinds of sites are looked at? Had someone on the street asked me (before I read the survey results), I would've guessed that an HR person would do a background check (that's been done on me before), and might Google me, or attempt to view my Facebook profile (it's pretty locked down to strangers), view my LinkedIn profile, check for a Twitter account and/or blog posts. All in all -- no biggie!

But those sites are just for starters. Those HR professionals/recruiters surveyed indicated they also looked at:
virtual world sites (Second Life, anyone?),
online gaming sites,
and sites such as online forums, Craigslist, EBay, and Amazon. (Amazon??? So a book review you post might put you out of the running for a job?)

What kinds of information can be used to disqualify you? Some of it might surprise you; it surprised me.

The top 6 kinds of online info leading to rejection in the U.S. are (p. 9):

1) concerns about the candidate's lifestyle
2) inappropriate comments and text written by the candidate [presumably, blog posts, blog comments, FB status updates, etc.]
3) unsuitable photos, videos, and info [presumably those college drunk days photos?]
4) inappropriate comments or text written by FRIENDS AND RELATIVES [my emphasis]
5) comments criticizing previous employers, co-workers or clients
6) inappropriate comments or text written by COLLEAGUES OR WORK ACQUAINTANCES [my emphasis]

This quote from the survey results (p. 20) summarizes it all:

"Traditionally, recruiters have had clear restrictions on the types of information they can ask candidates....Now, recruiters can easily and anonymously collect information that they would not be permitted to ask in an interview, and the survey found that recruiters are doing just that."

I believe that companies have the right to protect their own reputations by hiring candidates that reflect well upon them, and that we as employees are representatives -- like or not -- of our employer as we go about our jobs. Certainly if someone calls in sick and then photos are found on that person's Facebook profile of some wild escapades taking place while they were presumably sick, I think the company is justified in terminating the employee.

That said, it's not just about posting risqué photos online. A potential employer cannot ask your age or marital status in an interview but can now turnaround and find out that information pretty easily online, and reject you as a candidate. Even worse, you may maintain a minimal online profile, but your own relative or a coworker can say something about you that leads to your rejection as a candidate!

So where do we draw the line as to how much access a potential employer should have to our personal life? And how many degrees of separation from our connections is enough?

The Future of Work: Lots of Jobs?

2010-01-18T15:54:00.000-06:00

I have to share this post with you! It's fascinating. Eric Proulx, of PleaseFeedtheAnimals.com writes in his blog post today about how he, after unemployment in the advertising industry, has "taken on lots of little jobs to cobble together a living".

This idea of a portfolio career as the future of work, is expounded upon in yesterday's Boston Globe article Proulx references.

I am learning that lots of little jobs may be in my own future. And in the end, maybe that's okay. But it's scary!

And, to me, that means not only do I need to work on getting my consulting/coaching biz up and running, but I need to keep my hands in the IT/Biz Intelligence/Data Warehousing world for potential gigs there, be willing to do some temp jobs through, say, Manpower -- hell, even some personal assistance gigs.

Anyone of my local friends/colleagues too busy to run your own errands? Seriously, for a fee, I will do it.

Managing the Panicked Moments after a Layoff

2010-01-15T17:27:00.000-06:00

It’s funny, but when I feel panicked about money and/or the future – and the panic typically hits me suddenly, in the middle of whatever I’m doing like I just got whacked with a baseball bat – what works best for calming myself is to take a deep deep breath slooowly, briefly shut my eyes to focus inward, and then repeat to myself two verses from the Gospel of Matthew, King James Version.

“Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.” – Matthew 6:28-29 (KJV)

Saying it more than once or reading the entire passage (Mt 6:25-33) helps me too. Kinda like a meditative mantra, I guess. Mentally going through a list of everything I have right now: life, sound body, sound mind, employed husband, savings account, etc. also helps me. I remind myself that at this exact moment, all is well in my life. (“Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” Mt 6:34)

(Somewhat ironic that I quote Scripture to myself considering I usually think of myself as “spiritual but not religious” or as a “lapsed Catholic”. Dealing with a layoff and other stressful events hasn’t gotten me back into a church (yet), but the prayers and Biblical verses of my childhood kick right in.)

Another equally effective means for me to regain calm and “re-center” is to go for a run, or a brisk walk – actually, running is better for me because my mind is less inclined to wander when I’m running. When I run I tend to focus on my breathing, how my body feels, and pushing to get faster. Anxiety-inducing thoughts about money and the future are effectively shoved into the background and then forgotten. And afterward I feel a surge of energy and a sense of control and accomplishment.

A brisk walk can be soothing in a different way – if the weather is good I can enjoy the sights and sounds of nature. Arbor Hills Nature Preserve in Plano and the Arboretum in Dallas (where I got married, BTW) are my particular faves. However, I’ve often found that when I’m walking (as opposed to running), my mind wanders..and it can wander right back into my worries, doubts and fears if I let it.

One point about re-centering. If you’ve done it before, you know the sensation of inner calm and certainty. If you haven’t it can sound like meaningless fluff or woo-woo. Think of the old adage about “herding cats”. All the panicky anxious thoughts are like cats running around loose outside, and you need to bring them all in for the night. There are always stragglers but you get them all in, and then feed them and they quiet down. So, if you’re doing a mantra or deep breathing exercise, it’s like going outside for one last cat as you rein in your anxieties.

Some people might be able to compartmentalize – sort of like slamming a door shut on specific thoughts. Wrenching your mind away to another subject. I can do that too, but I find it takes more energy and it feels like as though the panicky thoughts are still right there, like cats behind a door meowing.

So, to sum up, my two fastest ways to Inner Calm are:
• Take a deep deep breath,
• close eyes to focus inward,
• repeat my personal calming mantra,
• remind myself that right now everything is okay.
Repeat as often as needed.
OR
• go for a good run (about a 5K distance).

What about you? How do you get to that calm feeling?

Lessons Learned from my Layoff: First in a Series

2009-12-11T17:20:00.000-06:00

Okay, I'll start right off by saying I know I'm luckier than a lot of laid-off people.
I don't have a mortgage -- we rent. I don't have credit card debt, as I'm pretty tight-fisted (well, except for my Starbuck's Tall Coffee of the Day habit.) My car is paid for. I don't have kids. I DO have a husband who is still employed, and a savings account. And I'm in reasonably good health.

The fact is, i don't buy into that whole comparison gig. Or I try my darndest not to get into that mode. Being laid off is being laid off -- not matter what your financial situation is right now. Because it all could change next week!

It's a Body Blow!
Getting laid off is like getting a smack upside the head, a punch to the jaw, and a kick in the stomach all at once.
I'm someone who has, in the past, up and quit jobs WITHOUT another one waiting. I used to think getting laid off would be just like that -- only you get severance pay and unemployment to boot. Ha!

I was not prepared for the anger, the shame, the humiliation -- heck, the "perp walk" for crying out loud! The HR lady was fumbling through my purse and yanking out my Blackberry (my own personal phone -- the company hadn't assigned me one. Could they not even get that right?) And security officers at the door. Sheesh! Talk about feeling like Typhoid Mary!

You feel stunned. You keep replaying the situation in your head. Some friends and even family members seem to get anxious when you want to talk about it, like the mere mention of it will somehow entrap them in the same situation. You feel numb, just mentally staggering around.

Anger. Pain. Sadness. Humiliation. Self-doubt. Panic. Fear. Numbness. All this is perfectly normal. So how long does it last, and how to get through those first few days?

I'll share my way of handling these emotions in my next post.

What is is that YOU get from each of your "vital" friendships?

2009-10-08T15:14:00.000-05:00

Tom Rath’s book Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without (2006) discusses the importance of friendships, including the friendship you have with a spouse, children, parents and siblings. The Gallup Organization researched friendship in the early 2000’s and came up with the 8 most common roles that friends fulfill in one’s personal and professional life. They are as follows (and only snippets of the description are included here):

Builder – “great motivator…catalyst for your personal or professional growth” (p.87)
Champion – “stand up for you..loyal..your best advocates..thrive on your accomplishments and happiness” (p.93)
Collaborator – “friend with similar interests.. can relate to your passions” (p. 99)
Companion – “when something big happens in your life – good or bad – this is one of the first people you call….virtually unbreakable bond.. they will sacrifice for your benefit” (p.105)
Connector* -- “Connectors get to know you – and then introduce you to others…extends your network dramatically” (p.111)
Energizer – “give you a boost.. .you’re more likely to laugh in [their] presence.. relax and have a good time” (p.117)
Mind Openers – “expand your horizons.. challenge you to think in innovative ways..around a Mind Opener you are unguarded and express opinions aloud, [even] controversial ones..broaden your perspective on life..” (p.123)
Navigator – “you go to them when you need guidance..help you see a positive future..ideal friends to share your goals and dreams with..” (p.129)

Can you get an idea, even from these snippets, of the role(s) your friend(s) play in your life?

According to Rath’s research, yes, some friends can play more than one role in your life, (p. 81) but it is unlikely that they play all 8 roles for you. In fact, it is unlikely they have the ability or even the inclination to play all 8 roles. We get ourselves into relationship troubles when and if we expect one friend to do it all. Our friends have different strengths, and our relationships with them will be better if we focus on the positives of what they provide instead of what they lack. (p. 38)

And, the author says, while it is certainly possible you and your best friend both serve in the Companion role together, it is actually quite common for any given two friends to bring different strengths to the friendship. You may play the role of Mind Opener to me, while I may function as more of a Navigator to you, for example.

The book, of course, goes into greater detail about each role, and also offers a special pass code so that you can take a test at http://www.vitalfriends.com . The test asks you a series of questions about each of your friends and then gives you the 3 top roles that friend plays in your life, based on their research and question-weighting. The author suggests that you look at what roles may possibly be missing in your life, as your life/work satisfaction increases if you have some friend to fill each of the 8 roles. (p. 160)

So now I’m wondering – isn’t it possible we all gravitate towards certain roles, based on our temperament and personality? And, if so, perhaps a role mismatch can explain to some degree why it is you mesh with one person and not another?

If your personality lends itself to the Mind Opener role, are you going to be perceived as an Energizer by others? Probably not. You may relax and chill for a while, but then find yourself getting bored. And/or your new friend may get irritated with being challenged to think in new ways.

* “Connector” – term, as used, coined by Malcolm Gladwell in The Tipping Point (2000)